Second Chance
by AxCfangirl
Summary: I hated Kira for being different from me even though he could be the same as me. I wanted us to be the same. I wanted me to be the same as him, as my friends, as everyone else. Post-GSD


English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

* * *

 **Second Chance**

* * *

As soon as a waitress places a glass of soda on my table, I pick it up and take a long sip. The air conditioner in this cafe doesn't seem to be working and drinking cold soda feels so good.

Taking another sip, I turn my eyes back to the robotic science magazine on the table. But before I resume reading, someone calls my name.

"Kuzzey!"

I look up. Ssigh is coming in my direction, fanning himself with a hand. "Sorry I'm late," he says, taking his seat.

I shrug off the apology. We order a pizza, and a cup of iced coffee for Ssigh, then talk a little about what has happened in our lives recently. There isn't much news and our conversation topic soon becomes what is written in the magazine.

Robotic science tends to take up most of our exchanges for we both work in the area. Though our jobs probably look very different. Ssigh returned to Professor Kato's lab—in another college on the mainland—after the First War and got a job in Morgenrote after graduation. He says that he learned from his experiences during the war how important the military's job is and that he wants to help it though he isn't planning to go back to the military.

I, on the other hand, went to a different lab in a different college after the war. A little because my parents didn't want me to get involved with the military again; mostly because I myself didn't want it. So I got a job in a toy company and work with mechanical toys...which are similar to Torii, Kira's robotic bird.

The thought reminds me of a subject I wanted to discuss with Ssigh.

"Hey, by the way, are you invited to Kira's wedding?" I ask.

"Yeah," he answers leisurely, his eyes on the magazine, "oh, but I haven't RSVP'd yet—wait." He lifts his eyes. "You are, too?"

He looks surprised. I don't blame him. He knows me and Kira haven't talked for years. I myself was surprised—a lot—when my mom gave me the invitation sent to my parents' house.

"Yeah, and I'm a little confused. I mean, I haven't been in touch with him since the First War, you know," I explain.

Ssigh thinks a little, then shrugs, leaning against his chair and picking up another slice of pizza. "I guess he's sorry he got estranged from you and thought it's a good opportunity to renew your friendship," he says casually, the surprise already gone.

"You've been talking with him, right?"

"Mostly via e-mail. It's not easy to see him in person, you know. He lives in PLANT and we're both busy with our work and all."

"And you're gonna attend his wedding?"

"I think so. I have no reason not to."

"You don't, well...you have no problem being friends with him now?" I hesitantly ask. I've wanted to ask it, but couldn't muster enough courage before. But now, I really want to know how he feels about Kira.

Ssigh sips his coffee before answering, "No. I'm not jealous of him anymore." After a pause, he adds, "I learned I can't be Kira. And that I don't have to be."

He turns his eyes to me, appearing to be thinking something. I wait, sensing there's more he wants to say.

He slowly starts, "You know, feeling inferior to someone sucks. But...maybe, being special, having special power, sucks, too.

"I was sad about Fllay when I heard she died," he says with a faraway look, "and regretted some of the things I said to her or didn't. I still think about her sometimes and wish we could've settled things between us. I wish we'd had a second chance even only as just friends.

"However, I didn't really suffer over her death. Not as much as Kira, at least. Because I didn't think there was really anything I could've done to save her. I couldn't have saved her from being assigned away from the Archangel. I couldn't have saved her from being shot down and killed. There was no way I could. I didn't have that kind of power. And so, I didn't feel responsible for her death.

"But Kira did. He blamed himself for her death. He suffered because he couldn't save her even though he had the power to do it. In that sense, maybe I was the more blessed one. It's easier for me to forgive myself."

He releases a long sigh before continuing, "I don't know exactly how much he suffered after the First War. I was too busy rebuilding my life, and didn't contact him much. But from what I've heard, he couldn't really get back on his feet until the Second War.

"And now he's officially a soldier though he doesn't like fighting."

Ssigh takes a sip again. "It's not like I believe he's unhappy or doing what he doesn't wanna do. No, I don't think so. Still, sometimes I feel glad I don't have as much power as Kira. That I'm not as special as him."

Silence comes over us. We're both lost in our own thoughts for about a minute.

Then Ssigh opens his mouth again. "Ah...well, I got carried away," he says sheepishly. "The other day, I ran into Miri and we talked about Fllay and Tolle and that kind of thing, you know."

He gives his head a shake. "Anyway, I don't have negative feelings against Kira anymore." Then he adds thoughtfully, "I felt me and Kira were so different and I envied him. And we're certainly not the same. But I think, after all, we're not so different, either."

We munch the last pieces of pizza with few words. After that, wiping my fingers with a paper napkin, I quietly say without looking at Ssigh, "I don't know if I wanna see Kira again. I still feel, like, conflicted about him."

I feel petty to be like that after hearing what Ssigh said. But I know he won't judge me, and I kind of want to say it aloud.

Ssigh simply says, "It's not like you have to see him or feel the same about him as me. That's not why I told you how I think about him."

"Yeah, I know," I look up and say, and, after some hesitation, add, "Thanks."

He smiles, which soon turns into a wide grin. "Besides, I can understand it if you don't wanna be friends with him again," he says jokingly. "Kira can be annoying, can't he? Like when he's acting like 'Sure, I can do special things. I'm a genius. But hey, I'm not special at all. We're just the same.'

"I'm sure he really means it, but that's partly why it's so annoying. Well, that's Kira, though. He can't help it, I guess." He finishes his coffee with a smile. I smile back.

Ssigh's smile becomes teasing. "Hey, maybe you can think of Kira's wedding as an opportunity to start looking for a boyfriend more seriously. You clearly need more motivation, and probably this is it. Just imagine: you find a handsome boyfriend, bring him to the wedding, and show him off."

"You lecture me about how I should get a boyfriend?" I return with a half-grin. "Get yourself a girlfriend first."

"Agh." He dramatically covers his face before quickly looking up. "Speaking of girlfriend, I met this girl a few months ago, and I thought we really hit it off. But—"

* * *

Returning to my apartment, I quickly turn the air conditioner on and go on to pour myself a glass of iced tea. After walking back from the bus stop, I'm thirsty again.

As I close the refrigerator with my leg, my eyes drift toward my desk. Inside one of the drawers is a pale pink envelope which contains the invitation to Kira's wedding. I've been thinking about it on my way back. About Kira, about what Ssigh said.

I look away and gulp tea, trying to think about something else. I'm still unsure what to do with the invitation.

My mind goes to another thing Ssigh said. Looking for a boyfriend. Maybe he has a point. Maybe it's time for me to work harder to get one. I've never been in a relationship. I was a bit afraid before, because I felt it would make everything more real. But lately, I feel more relaxed about it, more open.

Not that I'd bring my boyfriend to Kira's wedding even if I find one and decide to go to the wedding. And Ssigh knew it. He was just joking. I don't tell many people I'm gay. Other than those from the queer community, only my parents and a few friends know. No co-workers so far.

But still, it's a big progress for me. When I was younger, like before the First War, I was terrified of people finding out about my sexuality. When I wasn't in denial, that is. I hated being gay, being different, being me.

After Kira told us he was a Coordinator, I felt sympathy with him. I thought we were kinda same. We were both different from those around us. He was the only Coordinator in our circle. I was the only gay. Well, as far as I knew anyway.

But soon I realized we weren't the same at all. Being a Coordinator makes him special in a good way. Sure, some people hate him because of his genetics. But at least he has some extraordinary skills. He can do what most people can't and he can feel good, superior. People praise him and envy him.

But what about me? Some people hate me because of my sexuality. There're times, not so few, I feel so isolated from those around me because I'm not like them. But where's my reward for being "special"? I have nothing extraordinary. No one praises me or envies me for my difference. If anything, they just pity me or look down on me.

It felt like Kira was unfairly blessed, getting the best of the bargain. He didn't look afraid of revealing his difference when I was scared to death of letting even my parents, who I knew loved me dearly, know the truth about myself. Let alone my friends.

The idea of coming out made me choke and tremble. In fact, I was shaking and stuttering the few times I came out to those close to me. Still, they listened and eventually accepted. What I learned from the experiences is that it's not how you do it, but who you do it to. What kind of person they are and how much they care about you.

But I didn't know it back then. I couldn't believe those I cared about would still accept me. So I tried my hardest to pretend, to blend in, to become "normal," which Kira didn't appear to be doing.

He looked like he was fine with being a Coordinator, being different, and I hated it. I felt so...betrayed and hurt and wronged. I hated him, though I never showed it clearly. I'm not the type to pick fights and I didn't want to lose my other friends by being openly hostile toward him. But I wanted him to suffer. Suffer more. Suffer like me.

It wasn't the best part of me. I'm not proud of it. But it was still my honest feelings.

I wanted Kira to know how your stomach churns when your friend jokes about or simply mentions someone _like you_ , disdain clear in their voice. Or openly becomes hostile even. How you feel cowardly and ashamed for not speaking up for yourself and people of your kind, and how you still can't do it. How you feel disgusted with yourself for you sometimes even agree with their spiteful comments out of fear that they may get suspicious otherwise.

I wanted Kira to know how it feels like to imagine your friends will treat you that way someday, looking down on you and despising you. To suspect they will whisper mean words behind your back even if they "generously" don't cut you off after learning of your difference.

Well, I wanted my other friends to know that, too. But especially Kira, because he seemed to be the one who had the highest chance to understand me among my friends. As much as I hated him, I wanted him to be on my side. I wanted him to be in a similar position to mine. To be more like me. So that we could understand each other and form some kind of bond, which I hoped would reduce my feeling of isolation, and fear.

Yeah, saying that my feelings toward him were conflicted may be an understatement. They were so complicated and confusing.

As we got tangled deeper in the war, however, I felt more strongly that he was different from me. I couldn't understand why he could keep fighting in a mobile suit when I sometimes felt frightened out of my wits working as an operator without engaging in a combat.

And it was the same with my other friends. I couldn't understand why Tolle could volunteer to be the pilot of a Skygrasper, a job a lot more dangerous than a bridge crew. I couldn't understand why Ssigh and Miri could choose to keep fighting after experiencing what we had and being given a way out. Tolle had died. We'd almost died as well. We would've died if Kira hadn't come to save us in time.

I didn't wanna die. I didn't wanna fight anymore. I thought my friends should be feeling the same. Yet, they weren't. Kira, Ssigh, Miri. They all chose to stay in the Archangel. Kira and Miri even fought again during the Second War, I've heard. I just can't understand how they could do it.

Is there anything wrong with me? I asked myself again and again. Do I lack something other people have? I can't be brave like them because I'm different from them? ...Because I'm gay? After all, people say gay boys are wimps, sissies, don't they? I couldn't help thinking that.

But no. I was wrong.

I met this guy—Hoan—about a year after the Second War. He was so hot and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He's like, everyone's dream guy, really. Gorgeous body and sexy smile and good humor and just so perfect. I couldn't believe everyone in the bar wasn't gawking at him.

I would've never been able to approach him by myself, but we had a mutual friend. He introduced us to each other and we talked a bit. Well, they talked. I was too nervous and couldn't say much.

Hoan's a soldier. A high-ranking one, I guess, though he didn't say his exact rank probably because he was being cautious. He's a closet gay like me. So I understand him. I wouldn't say which company I work for to someone I just met, either.

He told some stories from his military experiences; I was surprised to hear he'd fought along with the Archangel during the Second War. I was reminded of the questions I'd asked myself when I decided to leave the Archangel. And he made me realize I hadn't made the choice because I was gay. Because Hoan's gay and he's just as brave and strong as my friends. He said he was on a mission which he believed he couldn't survive when he came across the Archangel. He was such a brave guy.

I had to admit, I'm a coward just because it's who I am, not because of my sexuality. And it was hard. I even wished I could say I was like this all because of my sexuality and all gays were cowards. Because then, I wouldn't be alone. Because then, I'd still be some kind of normal. Because then...it wouldn't be _my_ fault. It somehow makes you feel better if you can just blame something besides yourself, besides who you are, for your weaknesses or your actions. Even if it's your own sexuality and still a part of you.

I couldn't blame my sexuality anymore after listening to Hoan's story, though, and I couldn't look him in the eye. Well, I hadn't really done that even before the realization. Looking at his eyes was rather too much for my heart or breathing.

But the reason was different. I couldn't really face him because it made me feel bad about myself. I was ashamed of myself, of my cowardice. I guess that's also why I cut off contacts with my friends after the First War, after letting each other know we were all alive. It's only after meeting Hoan that I started to get in touch with Ssigh again. No one likes feeling miserable and inferior, yeah?

However, Hoan changed it as well. Before we parted, he told me...he wants to be brave like me and tell his parents he's gay. I'd come out to my parents, and though with some shock and awkwardness and struggle, they accepted me as who I was and supported me. I mentioned it during the conversation. Or more like, our mutual friend mentioned. Hoan showed an interest, and so I offered some details.

Anyway, when he said it, I was stunned. I never imagined anyone calling me brave. I've always been a wimp. Other boys, girls, and some adults have called me that and laughed at me and bullied me. I've tried to change so many times, only to fail over and over, like I failed to become a proper soldier.

I never really thought I could set an example for someone, much less someone like Hoan. But somehow I did. Without even trying to. And knowing it quite shook me. Since then, I've thought a lot about being brave, about my view of myself.

I may not be strong or brave. I may not be exactly a good person, either. But then, I've never been one of the people who get to decide what is strong and what is brave and what is good. I've never been someone important, someone with big power, someone in the limelight, praised by people. I've been someone in the background whose story no one pays attention to.

And I listen to them. I worry about what they say, what they think. Probably too much. Maybe that's my problem. Listening too much to people who don't even care about me.

Maybe it's fine I have my own standard instead of following other people's. Like even if straight people say gays are abnormal, we can say we're frigging normal.

Maybe being brave doesn't necessarily mean you fight in war. Maybe you can be brave without taking a gun or engaging in combats. Maybe I don't have to become able to kill someone or fight someone, which I hate, in order to be strong.

And maybe...I wasn't really being a coward when I decided to leave the Archangel. Maybe I was just being true to myself. It's not just me to stay in the military and keep fighting. And maybe, just maybe, it was even brave of me to do so even though it meant parting with my friends, which I feared. Maybe.

Most people probably don't see it that way. Even I myself can't completely believe it. Sometimes, I feel I'm just being delusional, desperately wanting to deny I'm a coward and making up some theories to console myself. Sometimes, I feel like, "So what if I'm a wimp? This is me. And who do you think you are to look down on me like that?" Sometimes, I feel being a coward and being brave aren't really that different. Or at least don't look that different. Being strong and being weak, too.

I don't know. I'm still struggling to find the answers. I'm still struggling to be me. But at least, I feel better about myself than before.

I turn my face toward my desk, walk over there, and put the glass on it. I open the top drawer to stare at the envelope. Then, something else catches my attention. I pick up the envelope and a small photo album beneath it.

Putting the envelope on the desk, I open the album which contains some photos from my Heliopolis days. I even have a few from my Archangel days. Looking at the photos, I remember the conversation I'd had with Ssigh when I left the Archangel.

I hated Kira for being different from me even though he could be the same as me. I wanted us to be the same. I wanted me to be the same as him, as my friends, as everyone else.

But everyone's different, right? What you can do is different from person to person. So maybe it's not so strange to think the way to be brave or strong is different from one person to another as well.

My thoughts move to the conversation I had with Ssigh earlier today. Do I want to be Kira, be like him? Do I regret the decision to leave the Archangel? Do I wish I could return the time and choose a different way, choose to become more like Kira, like my friends? Would I make a different choice if I could?

Yes, sometimes I still wish I could fight like Kira.

But, no. I don't think I would choose differently. There're many decisions I regret and wish I could take back. But the decision I made that day isn't one of them. The Archangel or the military isn't where I belong, where I wanna belong. Combats aren't the kind of battle I wanna fight or I can. Even though I don't like being seen as a coward, the cost of staying in the military is just too high. I prefer being a coward and alive to being a hero and dead. That's the choice I made then, and the choice I'd make again.

And do I want to, like, live Kira's life? Hell, no. I want nothing to do with military or politics. I want someone to notice me, but don't want everyone to focus on me. I want someone to know me and empathize with me, but don't want to live under the microscope. I hate to even imagine being pursued by the media. I wanna keep my private life private.

And unlike many people, I don't envy him for his fiancée. Even if she were a guy, she wouldn't be my type at all. I like someone more...genuine, less artificial. Maybe because I still hide who I really am most of the time. I want something different in my relationship.

I wonder if Kira ever feels like that. Then again, we're different.

We might have been both different from our friends, but we weren't the same. We're still not. He probably doesn't understand me, my suffering from being a coward, being weak. And probably I don't understand him, either. His suffering from having strong power, from being brave.

Come to think of it, maybe I don't really know him. Maybe I haven't really tried to know him, to see him for who he is. Or let him see who I am. Although we called each other a friend, and I don't say our friendship was totally fake, it doesn't feel like we were real friends. And I admit it was, at least partially, my fault.

I was really a kid. Well, even a decade hasn't passed. But I feel I was so young and immature back then. Maybe because I've grown up. Maybe because I've gained some confidence in myself. Maybe because I'm more accepting of myself, and accepted by other people as who I really am. I've changed to an extent. Kira has, too, I suppose. Then maybe we can have something different now?

We're not the same. We're different. So very different. But maybe, we still have similarities. Or even if we don't, maybe we can still be friends. Better friends. More real friends.

I don't know for sure. I don't even know if I want it. But I need to know him first before I decide what I want.

And, well, I also need to know if Kira wants it. There's no guarantee Ssigh's guess is right. Maybe Kira just invites his old friends to the wedding so that he can show off his current status or something. How much higher he's become than us.

Or even if he wants to renew our friendship, maybe he wants me to beg for it because I'm a nobody and he is a somebody, which I don't want. Even if I go see him and even apologize to him for my attitude years ago, I wouldn't want to beg him for anything. I want something different, something...equal. But maybe he expects me to kiss his ass. I won't be surprised if he does. I've never been the proud type with high self-esteem, and the younger me would have done anything to receive acceptance.

Well, it doesn't sound like the Kira I knew or the Kira I've heard from Ssigh. But I didn't exactly know him well and hearsays aren't so trustable, yeah? Not to mention he may have changed a lot.

I don't know, and I can't know if I just keep wondering. I need to see him to find the answer.

I can go to the wedding, say what I have to say, and hear what he has to say. Then decide whether I wanna be friends with him now. If we want different things, then I can flatly say no and leave...or pretend to go along during the day and fade out afterward, at least.

I put down the album and open the envelope to take out the RSVP card. Two blanks are waiting to be filled on the paper. Two options. One choice.

Probably I need to choose to face what I've been running from. Probably it's time for me to deal with the part of my past I've left unsettled.

I still feel hesitant, but I think about Ssigh's words. Ssigh and Fllay or Kira and Fllay couldn't have a second chance. But I can. I can give another chance to my friendship with Kira. The chance is in my hand and it's up to me whether to take it.

Though maybe having a chance isn't necessarily a good thing, like having power. If you never have a chance, you don't have to decide whether to take it. You don't have to blame yourself for not having done it, because you haven't had a chance and therefore it's not your fault, your responsibility. Your bad luck is the one at fault.

On the other hand, when you have a chance, it's your decision. You may regret you've taken it. Or you may regret you haven't taken it. You can never know. Either way, the blame is on you.

I may end up regretting seeing Kira again and trying to really know him, trying to show who I really am.

But whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, I've been given a chance. The fact doesn't change.

I stare at the light blue card decorated with sprays of roses some more. It's my choice. It's a battle I can't escape from.

I think about my Heliopolis days. I think about my days during the First War. I think about my days after.

Then, slowly I pick up a pen to check one of the blanks on the card.

Yes, I'll be at your wedding.

* * *

 **The End**

* * *

 **A/N** : I'm actually surprised I have written a fic about Kuzzey. While watching the show, I didn't have much interest in him, let alone care about him. But the idea of this fic came from somewhere, and so I wrote it.

Maybe it's partly because, though I never really liked him, I've often felt that if I were in the situation Kira and his friends were in GS, I would most likely act like Kuzzey.

Well, thank you for reading. If you've reviewed my other fics, I thank you for that, too.

* * *

 ***edited 08/05/19***


End file.
